Seven Days with a Psychopath
by Monikou
Summary: Logan get's a telegram from Wade Wilson, aka Deadpool, saying that he's coming to visit him for a whole week because he's on the run from Nick Fury. How will Logan survive seven days with this crazy psychopath? Collab with Ralyena Starrling!


Who Let the Psycho In?  
-

_**Deadpool's POV**_

"There he is, men! Don't let that freak-show get away!"Shouted one S.H.I.E.L.D goons as he spat bullets from his machine gun along with the other goons.

Sheesh, and all of this because I asked for a raise in my payment? Talk about 'cutting out the middle man'.

I wonder how this all started? Maybe when I called that Fury guy a one-eyed tight wad? No, that wasn't the part. Maybe it was when I gave him that fake disc with the pink dye bomb? No, that was after I left and started running from these guys. Oh, yeah! Now I remember.

It all started when Fury came to me in my latest temporary pad, a cool RV that I stole from some couch potato guy, and he asked me to sneak into an MRD Lab and steal a disc that had the latest technology on detecting mutants and taming mutants. At first I was about to tell him to take a hike but when he said he would pay me some real cool "lettuce", I just couldn't resist. So I went to the lab and got the disc easy, of course washing all that messy blood from my costume wasn't so easy. Do you have any idea how many washes you have to put a latex outfit through just to get out blood stains? Anyway, I got the disc and headed towards S.H.I.E.L.D HQ to give Fury the disc. Since I went through so much trouble and got my costume messy in the process, I figured that I'd ask one-eye for a raise in my payment, but just like any employer Fury was too cheap to cough up the extra dough. It wasn't that he couldn't, he just didn't want to. I knew as much that he would say no so I made a fake disc with a pink dye bomb that would not only provide me with a pretty in pink smokescreen exist but would also unleash poison ivy spores and give Nick Cheapo an itch fit straight from hell. I wish I had my head camera so I could record that scene. Well at least I took some pictures before I left.

And after that I took the real disc, jumped out the window, did some awesome aerial tricks which allowed me to land softly on my feet and from there I was on the run from S.H.I.E.L.D. I have to give these guys credit for persistence though. They've been trailing my crazy ass for a whole two weeks now. And as much fun as I have making them look like total boobs to their higher-ups for not catching me, I'm starting to get worn down from all this. I can't even stop to break into someone's house and watch my favourite soap opera "Crazy Killer Love" any more and that really blows. What am I going to do? I need to stay somewhere on the lamb for a while until Fury decides to lay off my back. Losing them to find a place to crash isn't the hard part, but the real challenge is thinking of where I could go and head there before the S.H.I.E.L.D goons find me again.

Hmm, let me think. Could I go stay with Omega Red? Nah, he wets the bed and his tentacles choke me when he sleeps. Maybe Sabertooth? No, he sheds all over the place and takes forever in the shower. The Brotherhood? Man what am I thinking? That's crazy even for me. Those guys are way too much like the Brady Bunch. Plus that Domino chick keeps taking my guns and uses them at the shooting gallery. She says she doesn't but I know better. Boy, seems like I don't have anyone else to turn to.

Except...maybe...No, no way. _He _would never let me stay with him. But on the other hand, I did help him with that Hulk situation back then. So that means he owes me one, right? Oh, who am I kidding? I'd crash there even if he didn't owe me. Besides I'm looking forward to seeing that sleek pretty blue kitty, so that's another reason for me to stay. Reow.

Look out, Logan. The merk with the mouth is headed your way.  
-

_**Regular POV**_

They were in the kitchen, just the two of them. Kurt was sitting on the counter like a... well like a cat! Meanwhile Logan was cooking them breakfast, teasing Kurt on what had happened between them the night before.

But Kurt decided that it was HIS turn to tease Logan.

"Say, Logan, you aren't zat much of a volf... If you know vat I mean."Kurt said seductively.

That stopped Logan from making the breakfast, closing the heat from the stove and turning to look at his lover. Slowly walking towards him, he got in front of him, Kurt still sitting on the counter, and looked him straight in the eyes.

"You really want the wolf part of me to come out now, don't you?"Logan asked back with a tone just as seductive.

From the look in Kurt's eyes, he knew he was right. Their faces were really close now, and without a second thought they kissed, a small and chaste kiss that still managed to turn them both on. They withdrew after a few seconds only, and when Logan inched his face closer to kiss him again...

Scott ran into the kitchen, interrupting them.

Logan was about to cut Scott into tiny pieces when Kurt asked him, "What's zat in your hand, Scott?"Kurt asked.

He just gave Logan the envelope and ran out of the kitchen, leaving them alone again. Logan opened the envelope, and as Kurt and he read it, their eyes got bigger and bigger by the moment.

That letter said...

_**Dear**_ _**Wolvi**_;

_**Heya**_, _**Logan**_, _**old**_ _**buddy**_, _**old**_ _**fellow**_ _**killer! It's**_ _**me**_, _**your**_ _**pal**_ _**Deadpool!**_ _**Listen**_ _**bud**_, _**I'm**_ _**in**_ _**a**_ _**bit**_ _**of**_ _**a**_ _**tight**_ _**spot**_ _**with**_ _**S.H.I.E.L.D.**_ _**You**_ _**see I**_ _**did**_ _**a**_ _**job**_ _**for**_ _**them**_ _**to**_ _**get**_ _**some**_ _**disc**_ _**with**_ _**plans**_ _**for**_ _**mutant**_ _**taming**_ _**and**_ _**mutant**_ _**detecting**_ _**tech**_ _**and**_ _**then**_ _**I**_ _**asked**_ _**for**_ _**a raise**_ _**because**_ _**I**_ _**needed**_ _**the**_ _**money**_ _**to**_ _**pay**_ _**for**_ _**the**_ _**laundry**_ _**bill**_ _**for**_ _**my**_ _**costume**_ _**since**_ _**I**_ _**got**_ _**so**_ _**much**_ _**blood**_ _**on**_ _**it**_. _**Do**_ _**you**_ _**have**_ _**any**_ _**idea**_ _**how**_ _**hard**_ _**it**_ _**is**_ _**to**_ _**get**_ _**blood**_ _**out**_ _**of**_ _**latex**_? _**I'm**_ _**sure**_ _**you**_ _**do**_, _**since**_ _**you**_ _**go**_ _**through**_ _**blood**_ _**faster**_ _**than**_ _**a**_ _**starving**_ _**vampire**_. _**Anywho**_, _**they**_ _**said**_ _**no**_, _**I gave Fury a pink dye bomb fake disc, took the real disc, jumped out the window and ran like hell and now I need a place to stay on the lamb for a week. So since you're the only person I know who won't turn me in for the bounty on my head and has a wide flat screen and pool to boot, I decided to come stay with you. I also want to see that pretty blue panther with the forked tail. You know who I mean, pal. Reow. So I should be there in about three hours or five hours depending on how fast this S.H.I.E.L.D jet I stole can go from New York to Bayville. Well have a penthouse room ready for me with that sexy panther on my pillow.  
**_  
_**Yours Insanley~Deadpool**_

P.S: I like to watch my soap operas naked. I hope that doesn't bother you.

See you soon, roomie!

THAT was the first time that Logan fainted out of fear.

_**Ten minutes later**_

Logan groaned as he slowly started to come back to consciousness. He heard voices mumbling around him and opened his blue eyes to look at his surroundings.

"Hey, he's coming around."Said a voice that sounded like Bobby. Logan opened his eyes and looked up to see Kitty, Bobby, Jean, Storm and Kurt.

"Logan are you alright? We heard Kurt shout your name and came here then you saw you passed out."Storm explained.

"What happened, Logan? What could have possibly made _you _faint?"Kitty asked. Logan blinked in confusion at the question but then his eyes widened when he remembered the letter. Logan shot up onto his feet and shoved the letter into Bobby's hands.

"Read this and it'll tell ya everything. I have to talk to Forge and tell him to triple the security!"Logan exclaimed and sprinted off into a run in order to locate the boy genius and Kurt ran after his lover without a word to the others.

Everyone looked at the door Logan and Kurt exited from in surprised expressions.

"Wow, something really crazy must have happened to make Logan faint and want to have Forge triple the security."Jean said.

"He said the letter would tell us everything, so let's read it."Bobby said and the four other X-Men got together and read over the letter. Once their eyes made it to the last line, the four mutants gasped in shock.

"No wonder Logan would be so worried."Storm said in an understanding tone as she looked over the letter again.

"We'd better go down and help beef up security."Kitty said and everyone nodded in agreement then left the kitchen as well.

After another ten minutes Logan got everyone together and explained to them that Deadpool would be arriving and the whole team pitched in to help triple the security. Then in about two hours the X-Mansion became the picture of top security.

"Whew. Well it was hard work, but we managed it. The security system is finally finished."Forge said proudly as he wiped of a spot of oil from his face.

"And you're sure this little box will keep that maniac out of the mansion, Forge?"Bobby asked.

"Absolutely. The scanners will be on twenty four seven and detect for any foreign DNA from anyone who hasn't been registered in the scanner's database. Even if Deadpool comes from underground or above, the scanners will pick up his DNA and sound off the alarm."Forge explained.

"Good because the last thing we need to deal with is that crazy, psychopathic, fast-talking, annoying, wise-cracking lunatic."Logan said.

"You forgot bipolar!"Shouted a voice from the living room.

"Oh right. Thanks..."Logan started but then stopped cold in his sentence and his eyes went wide yet again.

Everyone looked at each other and then ran into the living and gasped in shock at the sight presented to them.

There on the sofa was none other than Deadpool, who was looking quite comfortable as he watched an action flick of some sort. The X-Team looked at the merk with the mouth as their eyes grew wider by the second and their mouths dropped. The psycho looked up at the shocked mutants then sat up from the sofa to greet them.

"Hey all! It's great to see you guys after so long. Every one of you has changed so much since I last saw you. Except you, Beast. You're about the same."Wade said pointing at the ape-like mutant in question. Hank's eyebrow twitched in irritation.

"How the freakin' hell did you get in here, Deadpool?"Logan demanded in a shouting tone which made some of his fellow mutants cringe at the loudness.

"There's no way that you could have gotten in here without the alarm going off. The scanner's been on since we put it on the wall!"Forge stated.

"Oh, that? Well you see that's a funny but long story. First of all that dude that delivered Logan's letter was me dressed as a mail man, and when Scotty here left to give him the letter I snuck in and packed my mail man disguise. From there I hid in the ventilation chaff and heard your plans to make that DNA detector thing. So while tech boy had his back turned I took out the real spark plugs and replaced them with fake ones. That's why your alarm didn't go off since you turned it on. Pretty impressive, huh?"Deadpool asked with a mischievous smirk on his face. Or at least that's what it looked like based off the curve in his mask.

Logan's eyes blinked in shock a few times but then he shook his head to snap out of his shock. The Wolverine glared at the psycho and walked over to him in an angry stride then lifted the man from his feet as if he was a weightless pillow.

"I've got something impressive for ya, freakozoid. A one way trip to Canada via air mail courtesy of me."Logan said as he dragged the assassin out of the living room.

"Whoa, whoa, Logan wait! I wasn't kidding when I said S.H.I.E.L.D was on my tail! I really need your help. You can't just toss me out like some old newspaper!"Wade exclaimed as he tried to claw onto the carpet to get a good hold of it.

"Watch me, bub."Logan said coldly as he got closer to the door.

Everyone watched Logan waiting to see what he would do, but Kurt, being the kind-hearted person that he is, just couldn't stand idly by as Logan did this even if he didn't particularly like the merk. So Kurt teleported in front of Logan making him stop in his tracks.

"Logan, please stop. We can't just turn our backs on Wade like this. As crazy and annoying as he is he's still a mutant, just like the rest of us."Kurt said.

"Okay, crazy I agree with but the annoying part was a bit hurtful."Said the merk.

"Don't let him fool you, blue. He doesn't need our help he just wants to pester us."Logan stated.

"Can't it be both?"Wade asked.

"Shut up, you little bug."Logan said as he shook Deadpool.

"Logan, what would the professor say if he found out that you turned down a mutant in need? As leader you have to take all leader duties which include helping fellow mutants when they're in danger. Besides I'm sure that Wilson won't be as pestering while he's here and plus it'll just be one week. Right, Wade?"Kurt asked the man.

"You bet your fangs, my pretty panther. I'll pull my weight around here and if you need someone to risk his life in a highly dangerous mission, I'm your killer. And Fury won't stay on one guy for too long. I probably won't even have to stay here for a week."Deadpool assured.

"I'm not sure..."Logan started but was interrupted when Kurt pressed the tip of his tail to his lips and leaned in with a seductive look on his face.

"How about this, if you agree to let Deadpool stay here I'll wear that black lace slip that you got for me every night for the whole week. So do we have a deal?"Kurt asked in a husky whisper and winked at the wolf.

Logan blushed a small pink hue then thought his options over. On the one hand he could get rid of Deadpool and Kurt would either wear the slip once in a while or never while on the other hand he could tolerate Deadpool and Kurt would wear the slip for a whole week then get used to it and maybe wear it more often.

Guess there's no other choice.

"Alright freakozoid, you can stay. But the second the week is over or if Fury stops looking for you I want you out pronto. Got it?"Logan asked threateningly as he bared his sharp fangs.

"Yes, I get it! Thank you, thank you, thank you Wolvi! You're the absolute and total best!"Deadpool exclaimed and hugged Logan's leg. This action earned him a warning growl and the merk immediately backed off and chuckled nervously.

Was a week of Kurt dressed in a black slip worth a week with Deadpool? Logan would like to think so, but somewhere deep down he knew he would be proven wrong.  
-


End file.
